I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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