Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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