Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
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