Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
