sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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