Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
