I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
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It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
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You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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