Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
