I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
