If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
