my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
