Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
