Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.