I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
