The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
