Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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