I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
