My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
