2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
