You're so nebulous sometimes
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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