forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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