I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
