I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
