dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
