I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
