im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
