i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
