no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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