hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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