i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
