you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Randomize
