Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
