he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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