WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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