Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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