Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I need to calm my uterus...
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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