Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so let's talk penis.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
