My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
