Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
