she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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