I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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