U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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