he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
