Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
