Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
