I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
