I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
