Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
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