i don't plan on having that self control this summer
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
