My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
