Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
