how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
