smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
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I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
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Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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