Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
