I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
