we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
