This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
