1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think I won the penis lottery.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
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My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
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When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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