I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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