May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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