I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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