He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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