so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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