I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My penis needs a shock collar
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
