She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
