so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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